


Let Me Have This

by JJavierr



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Angst, Censored sex, Consensual Sex, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Hurt Ryan Bergara, Hurt Shane Madej, I hope you gave these tags a thorough gander, Lots of hurt very little comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Murder-Suicide, Ryan Bergara Loves Shane Madej, Self-Hatred, Shane Madej Loves Ryan Bergara, Short, Suicidal Ryan Bergara, Suicidal Thoughts, Technically Angst with a happy ending but not, Verbal Abuse, Vomiting, Zombie Apocalypse, as in it fades to black, implied Bottom Ryan, implied Top Shane, just in case someone thinks this counts as DD:DNE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:07:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29698917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JJavierr/pseuds/JJavierr
Summary: ‘It was supposed to be safe,’ he thought, tears overflowing. ‘We were supposed to be safe.’Except he hadn’t accounted for the possibility that any of them were bitten. Even now he couldn’t even entertain that Steven would hide the bite and- and now-The door locking Shane in shook and shuddered with force. “RYAN!!”
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Kudos: 12





	1. The Door

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sonzaishinai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonzaishinai/gifts).



> Compensation and an apology.

‘Oh god.’

‘Fuck.’

‘Why?!’

That was all that ran through Ryan’s mind as he sobbed and vomited into the corner of the dilapidated cabin.

‘It was supposed to be safe,’ he thought, tears overflowing. ‘We were supposed to be safe.’

Except he hadn’t accounted for the possibility that any of them were bitten. Even now he couldn’t even  _ entertain _ that Steven would hide the bite and- and now-

The door locking Shane in shook and shuddered with force. “RYAN!!”

Shane’s been screaming for him for the two or three hours. Because Steven had turned and bit Shane and Ryan panicked and fucking killed Steven (No. That wasn’t Steven anymore. That was just another zombie- another monster that was trying to kill  _ him _ -) but Shane was still alive- still human! And please, god, don’t blame him for not being able to kill Shane!

“Please…” Ryan sobbed into his hands. “Please… please, god… tell me that this is all just-” hiccup “-a nightmare. Please…”

But the scrapes and grease on his hands from handling the metal bat’s grip were still there. Steven’s body was still lying on the other side of the room. And Shane was still yelling abuses through the walls, the virus settling in quickly.

It’s all Ryan’s fault. He should’ve been more concerned when Steven began being more distant, getting snappier at him and Shane. He shouldn’t have taken his excuses that he’s just had less sleep, was cold, tired, and hungry. It was believable, but Ryan should’ve trusted his gut but he didn’t and now Steven is dead and Shane’s about to turn, too.

It’s all his fault.

And now, he’ll be all alone.

His stomach retched painfully and he braced himself before proceeding to vomit up chunks of their dinner and stomach acid again.

‘I can’t do this,’ he thought, crying. ‘I can’t survive out here alone.’

His whole family was dead and now all of his friends were, too.

When he finished, his mouth was sour with bile and so he washed it out with one of the last bottles of water they had on them. ‘What use is it saving any of it anymore anyway,’ he thought meekly. ‘Everyone else is dead.’ Shane hit the door again. Well. Almost dead.

When he was done, sitting on his knees with nothing left to cry or vomit, he stared at his hands and began thinking.

He didn’t have a gun.

He looked at the wall Shane was behind, still shuddering from his enraged attempts to be back by Ryan’s side.

_ No, Ryan. That’s selfish. You still have life. _

‘But who would I live for?’

_ You don’t have to live for anyone. Who you had no longer defines you. You should honor the lives of the people you lost by moving forward, not giving up. _

‘But what if I don’t want to?’

_ Don’t you want to be happy again? Live comfortably? Find a way out of this hellhole? _

‘I’m never going to be happy again if I no longer have my family-’

Shane hit the door again.

‘-or my friends.’

The voice of reason he had in his head had nothing to say to that. Ryan looked at his watch. 2AM. Shane was bitten at 10PM, and Steven… he thought back to their last encounter with any zombies. It was barely that afternoon. So if Steven took roughly ten hours to turn, that meant he had four hours left with Shane before he… before he was no longer Shane, too.

Ryan stood up and walked towards the door.


	2. The Gun

When he entered the room, Shane lunged for him, tackling him to the ground with his weight. 

“What took you so long to walk in here? Did you seriously consider fucking leaving me? Huh?” As much as Ryan wanted to call this Shane human, the red flare in his eyes told Ryan otherwise. And his Shane would never talk him off like this. Maybe this was a mistake.

“N-No, I-”

“You  **_what?_ ** ”

“I was… feeling sick. I had to puke, man. I, uh,” Ryan laughed nervously, knowing it didn’t reach his eyes, “I don’t think you wanted me doing that in here.”

Shane’s brows furrowed and he snarled, “ **And how the fuck do you think I was feeling?** ”

Ryan gulped and tears pricked at the corner of his eyes and Shane gripped his wrist with more force than necessary, causing Ryan to yelp as he eyed his watch.

“Four hours. Did you think I wouldn’t want my best fucking friend by my side in my final hours? Did you stay away for four hours because you didn’t want me to hurt? **Or did you just want to protect yourself, Ryan?** ”

Ryan began crying. Shane knew truths even he couldn’t face. It hurt.

“It’s all my fault.”

“Well it’s a good fucking thing you finally recognized that,  **don’t you think?** ” Shane asked and Ryan flinched, but nodded minutely behind the hands now cowered over his face. “Why did you come back in here if you were going to be such a fucking scaredy cat over facing the consequences?”

“I- I wanted to have some time with y-”

“ **BULLSHIT!** ” Shane screamed, climbing to his feet. “If that was the truth, you wouldn’t have left me alone in here for  **four fucking hours! WHY DID YOU COME BACK IN HERE, RYAN!? TELL ME!!”**

Ryan tried to crawl back, crawl away from whatever his friend had slowly started to become, but Shane followed.

“ **WHY DID YOU COME BACK?!** ”

“I don’t know!”

Shane picked him up by the collar of his shirt and lifted Ryan to be face to face with him, tears, snot, and all.

“ **Why did you come back, Ryan? Did you want to fucking die? Why did you come back?** ” With each question, Shane’s anger seemed to melt away, and his voice cracked on the last line. “ **Why did you have to come back, Ryan.** Why didn’t you just run away. You should’ve ran away. Why did you have to make me hurt you. Why didn’t you just run away.”

He let Ryan down, let him lay against the floor and quickly followed suit, lying his head on top of Ryan’s hiccuping, sobbing chest as he shed his own tears, repeating the same line. “Why didn’t you just run away. You should’ve ran away.”

An hour could’ve passed where they just laid there. Ryan thinks he fell asleep at some point, but woke up to Shane nudging his face, looking at him. The red flare in his eyes has gotten deeper. He’ll turn soon.

“Shane?” he asked. His eyes were still crusty with sleep and raw with his crying from earlier. He could feel the burn of the stomach acid at the back of his throat, now.

“I loved you. Love. Still do,” Shane said, and Ryan started to cry again.

“Ryan?”

“How can you love me when-” hiccup “-when we’re stuck like this because of me?”

Shane was quiet.

“I- I hate this. I hate myself, this is all my fucking fault. I-” his sobbing intensified, “I wish I didn’t have to kill Steven. I wish he bit me, too, so-” hiccup “-so we’d be going through this together. So that you wouldn’t have to turn alone.”

“I’m sorry, Shane.”

But Shane didn’t respond. Not emotionally anyway. He hushed Ryan and pet him as he maneuvered Ryan’s head against his shoulder. “Shhh. Let’s not think about it anymore, shall we?”

His hand moved down and caressed Ryan’s thighs which straddled his hips, unzipped his own pants. “Let’s just have this shall we? While we can, Ryan?”

Ryan was too tired to fight it and nodded.

  
  
  
  
  


When all was said and done and Shane professed that he thinks he is going to turn soon, Ryan nodded, numb. Shane pulled out and walked over to a bookshelf in the room; brought back a gun.

He drew Ryan up gently and they kissed softly with the blankets wrapped around their bodies. Shane brought the gun up behind Ryan’s head so it could face himself, too, and with tears streaming down both their faces, he pulled the trigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Compensation and an apology, for never getting around to helping you finish that fic for your friend. I hope the angst was just right.
> 
> This was originally inspired by lo_lolita's "So Nehm Ich Was Noch Übrig Ist" which I read a while back, before I made this account. It was going to have Ryan fall asleep with Shane hoping that when he woke up, Shane will have already bitten and killed him, too, but when he wakes up, Shane is a zombie but for some reason won't react to Ryan normally because he was in love with him before he turned and instead fucks Ryan. Ryan gets traumatized by the event and starts to view zombie!Shane as an amalgamation of his mistakes since his only purpose starts to become "Follow Ryan around, protect him", or in Ryan's eyes, "Be a constant reminder to Ryan that he failed you, don't let him die so he gets to suffer." 
> 
> But that was too much to write and I got bored quickly so I took a different turn after I remembered that I was supposed to work on something a while back.


End file.
